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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.