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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
If something on this page offends you, please bring it to our attention so we can all laugh at you.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.