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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
The fox says you need to stop.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.