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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."
Are walruses just vampire manatees?