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I wish my mind had a delete button.
My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!