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Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.