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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed