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I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.