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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.