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I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
Anybody else have that annoying problem of Work and Family interfering with your FaceBook time?
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.