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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
Iām a pervert, but in a romantic way.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack