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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
What if the weather talks about us?
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.