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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Relationship Status: eating
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."