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Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke