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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.