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I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?