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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...