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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.