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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
I need a new bad decision.