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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.