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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.