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It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."