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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."