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I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.