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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.