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Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.