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Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"