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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
I`m going to hell in every religion!
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.