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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...