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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.