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Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.