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My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.