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If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!