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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
bras are booby-traps
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell