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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.