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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
So long pants! See you Monday!
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.