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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?