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9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...