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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.