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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."