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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so Iām just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats