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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I’m going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.