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I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
I have off-road rage, too
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.