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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?