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Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
My whole life is based on a true story...
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.