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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.