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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.