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If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!