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"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.