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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.