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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.