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The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.