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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.