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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!