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Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"