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I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
Mom in poetic mood ....Asked me to express emptiness .... I showed her my wallet ........ n m cheek still burns .... :-p :-p
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly