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I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, scratch between my butt cheeks....I`m in public.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.