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have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.