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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.