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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.