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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.